My Story

As my life carries on, so will my testimony in my blogs. But here I will share my story on how I came to know Christ as my Lord and Savior. There are parts, a very very large part, I cannot include so to not intrude on others privacy, but I will do my best to share my story without that part included.

Growing up, I was raised of a certain denomination, but really it didn't mean much to me at the time. I went through the steps, the process, attending church on Sundays- because I was supposed to, not because I wanted to. I was a "good kid" and followed the rules and that was part of the rules. I thought I had a lot going for me in going through life in that way.

I was an extreme perfectionist. I had my own set of rules about life- when I needed to graduate, get a job, get a promotion, get married, buy a house, so on and so forth. I tried to have control over everything and the result was really everything having control over me. I tried to fight against it instead of go with the flow.

And then the losses started. First, I lost my job as the economy went under. Moved to another state for a better economy but while trying to find a job, I got sick... and never fully recovered. This was the beginning of my second loss, my health In the midst of that I experienced a third loss. I lost friends, some friends I thought would be there forever slowly drifted away. We were apart in distance and different in life circumstances. A forth loss as money was another downfall, in a way I'm unable to explain here publicly. Car trouble, apartment problems. It seemed like it would never end. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I lost what I loved the most.

In the summer of 2012, my life turned upside down. This is the story I cannot share in detail, but it felt like my life was thrown up in the air and a billion pieces came crashing down- some unable to be found, some broken, and all of them hard to fit back together.

However, what resulted from this explosion of life was the best thing to ever happen to me. I wish I could remember the exact date, but I cannot. Sometime between June 24 and July 11 of 2012, I came to know Christ.

I was having a discussion with someone about Christmas. What was said by the other was that Jesus meant nothing to them. The exact words spoken are even hard to repeat and I won't repeat them, but they broke my heart. I felt a pain I didn't know existed. I spoke up for my faith words I had absolutely no idea I had in me... I honestly don't even know what I said, but I know I talked about Jesus suffering and dying on the cross so that WE could be here, that He did that for US, and how could Jesus mean nothing?! It hurts my heart even right now. At that moment I felt the Holy Spirit speaking through me. It was such a powerful feeling one I could never put into words, but that wasn't me talking. After that, I cried and I prayed, and since then I will never be the same.

The old me could never talk like that. But over the coming days, weeks, months, I felt the old me dying- not physically but spiritually- and growing into a new person. Though I was closer to God than ever before, at the same time I questioned my faith more than ever before. I didn't know what this experience was and I was caught up in a whirlwind of troubling situations and struggles. All that was life around me was changing but so was I. At one point I got pulled so far away from God. But God brought me back to Him. I started reading the Bible every day, researching Christianity and Jesus, praying nonstop, connecting with other Christians and reaching out for spiritual guidance. I felt like though I used to "believe in" God, I now KNEW God. They are completely different and I never knew that. In all the turmoil I was going through, I felt this ultimate, amazing joy within. I felt no matter how bad it got, no matter how much was thrown at me, I could seek and find this joy- through Jesus.

And then it hit me, I realized I was saved. Prior to then when I'd hear someone "being saved" I almost laughed at the thought like that could never happen or its made up, or they are just a crazy person. Still today I have trouble talking about it because unless you've been through such a conversion you probably would have a hard time believing it like I used to. But I realized the grace of God washed away my sins, washed away the old me.. that I now have Jesus, that I live for Him, because He died for me.

What an amazing blessing that was and at God's perfect timing. Had I not experienced the grace of God and His salvation, there is no way I could have gotten through what I've gotten through. I was hit with 2 very hard things on the same day, July 11, 2012. One of a person I thought meant the world to me, and the other was losing my health. I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, a neuromuscular, autoimmune disease (and later diagnosed with a second chronic illness). I have another blog that speaks on that journey and what an incredible one it has been. If you are interested it is Chronically Cheerful. Within a 6 month period, I was hospitalized for 3. I survived a multiple bi-lateral pulmonary embolism. I did it without that one I thought I loved the most. I did it only because Jesus was with me.

Every day I wake up and thank God for my blessings. Instead of just reciting prayers and asking God for something whenever a bad situation arises, I now walk through life with Him. I pray always. I seek Him before a situation arises, during the situation and thank Him after... in every situation, every day. My journey has not and is not easy, but with God I know I can get through it. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Now I can say I truly live for Him, I really live for Him. So I strive always to do what is right, good and true, in His eyes, not my own. I follow His lead. And when I fault and go against His will, I ask forgiveness, knowing He nailed my sins to the cross. I seek the Bible for answers and prayer for guidance. I would consider myself a new Christian so it is a process that takes time, but each and every day I grow closer to Him. I want to be a vessel for Jesus to spread His love and send His message. I ask God to use me however He wants to spread His word. And I find that true joy in doing so. And best of all, through salvation and relationship with Jesus, I know God has reserved a place for me in Heaven.

God is love, and in now knowing God, I now know love. True, unconditional, undeserving but freely given, love. For it is not just an inward feeling but an outward gift of oneself, and I am here to be the gift that God wants me to be.

God bless you.